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INFIDELITY: AFTER AN AFFAIR How
Marital Therapy Heals the Wounds Trouble
in the Clintons’ marriage resulting from the President’s
extramarital sexual affair can stir up painful memories for the millions
of Americans who have faced similar marital crises. It also may cause
those who have not faced the problem to wonder how they would react and
what would they do to get themselves through the pain and humiliation. What
would you do? The
President has already announced he’s chosen to work closely with
several clergy members to help him "avoid temptation and heal his
marriage." Some observers have also suggested that he seek
individual psychotherapy to explore underlying emotional problems.
However, what is missing from the public discussion thus far is the fact
that couples such as the Clintons should also go together for
professional help from a marital therapist, both to get through the
immediate crisis and then to examine and repair their relationship. Assuming that the affair is definitely over and that both partners want to continue their marriage -- and that’s often a big "If" in these situations -- their first priority should be the restoration of trust. This can best be achieved by going together for help. If both partners seek only individual psychotherapy, this may again build a wall of secrecy and privacy between them and cause further alienation. However,
if the couple works together with a marriage and family therapist who is
trained to treat these crises, they can put the infidelity in
perspective, explore underlying marital problems, learn how to renew and
transform their relationship, and avoid unnecessary divorces. (Or choose
to divorce. Some couples may eventually decide during therapy that the
marriage cannot be saved.) But
for those couples who want to save their marriage following an affair,
marital therapy is often effective. While the person who had the affair
is held accountable for his or her behavior, the therapist provides a
safe, confidential, and balanced environment in which they all work
together to explore and rebuild the marital relationship. It often takes
one year of biweekly visits with the therapist and then another year of
the couple working together to rebuild trust before they generally feel
"healed." Here’s
what you can expect if you and your partner ever choose to enter
marriage therapy following an affair: Phase
I: Surge of Hope. For
the first month or so of marital therapy, a couple may feel quite good
and hopeful about their relationship. The immediate crisis is subsiding,
the decision to re-commit to the marriage has been made, and they have
joined together in therapy to work on their marriage. "Let’s put
the infidelity behind us and move on," they say. Phase
II: No More Secrets During
this next phase, which often takes several months, the therapist will
guide the couple through the difficult and often-painful process of
taking a deeper look at the affair and other underlying problems in
their relationship. To restore trust, the person who had the affair will
need to be fully truthful and honest about any details that the injured
spouse wants to know, such as the name of the other person involved in
the affair and details of secret meetings and sexual encounters. This
information may unleash anger and anguish that need to be dealt with
openly in therapy. The
person who had the affair must also assume full personal responsibility
for the affair and not pass the blame onto the spouse, personal or
emotional problems, or work pressures. He or she must also take
responsibility for his or her part in any underlying martial problems.
Also, if this person needs to grieve the loss of the lover in the
affair, this should be done privately or during individual sessions with
the therapist and not in the presence of the spouse. By
the same token, the injured partner also has difficult work to do. He or
she may need to come down from the pedestal, drop the saint or martyr
role, move past the anger and hurt, and -- hardest of all -- be willing
to examine his or her role in the underlying marriage problems. Rebuilding
trust is an uneven process that often takes three steps forward, two
steps back. The
injured spouse may continue to be suspicious and insecure, experience
painful flashbacks at unsuspecting times, or scrutinize the other
partner’s behavior especially around members of the opposite sex. The
person who had the affair must learn to tolerate this distrust and not
become self-righteous or indignant. The therapist then helps the couple
understand how their respective reactions are understandable and learn
how to better handle future incidents. Phase
III: New Beginnings The
final -- and longest -- phase of marital therapy is devoted to emotional
recovery and rebuilding the relationship. During this phase, the
therapist helps the couple learn new ways to relate to each other and
how to put intensity, once drained by the affair, back into their sexual
relationship. The couple gradually begins to restore emotional intimacy
by learning how to express what they want and need from the
relationship, as well as what changes they would like their partner to
make. The
therapist also works with the couple to develop new communications
skills and methods for resolving conflict, which was previously avoided
and submerged in the affair. Some
couples begin "dating" again, starting from scratch to rebuild
their relationship. They learn how to spend time alone together and
enjoy each other’s company. In addition, the therapist helps them
learn how to ask for what they want and negotiate their differences. Success
is not guaranteed. For some couples, the affair turns out to be the
final nail in a coffin after an emotional divorce has already taken
place. Therapy can help them accept this reality and then support them
and their family through the trauma of a divorce. But
for couples who are committed to saving their marriages and willing to
do the necessary repair work together with a trained marital therapist,
they often emerge with a better, closer, and stronger marriage than they
ever imagined. For them, the affair represents a wake-up call and an
opportunity to birth a new marriage. ©2006
by the AAMFT 
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