 |
||||
 |
STEPFAMILIES
A
stepfamily forms when one or both adults in a new couple bring children
from a previous relationship. Although stepfamilies look like first-time
families on the outside, they are very different on the inside. The first
step toward making a successful stepfamily is understanding the
differences between stepfamilies and first-time families. The previous
marriage may have ended in divorce or in death. The original parent may be
a never-married single parent or an adoptive parent. The new couple may be
gay or straight. How
Stepfamilies Are Different Stepfamilies
have “insiders” and “outsiders.” In a first-time family, the adult
couple is considered the “insider unit,” but insider and outsider
roles shift. Sometimes mom is closer to Danny. Next month, dad and Danny
are closer. In
stepfamilies, insider and outsider positions start out painfully stuck.
Agreements about every day issues lie within the parent-child unit, not
between the adult couple. And single parent families usually have become a
very tight unit. All of this makes stepparents outsiders in their new
families. This outsider position often leaves stepparents feeling
invisible, powerless, rejected and lonely. Biological (or adoptive)
parents begin as the stuck insiders. They are most connected to their own
children, to their new partner, and to their ex-spouse. Insider parents
often feel torn and anxious trying to balance everyone’s needs. Children,
too, occupy stuck insider and outsider positions. When Mike’s
13-year-old son, Johnny, visits his dad’s new family on weekends, Johnny
enters as an outsider. David and Jenny, Mike’s new stepchildren, are
stuck insiders. They must share their space with a new stepbrother they
did not choose and may not even like. Letting
Go of Unrealistic Expectations New
couples naturally wish for their new families to blend right away.
Stepparents want their stepchildren to love them. Straining to make the
impossible happen, however, creates constant failure. Stepcouples need at
least two years to begin to function as a unit. Some stepchildren will
need even more time and some will need less. Letting go of understandable,
but unrealistic wishes frees you to meet the challenges. Children’s
Losses and Conflicting Loyalties For
adults, new partners are thrilling. For children, however, the entry of a
new stepparent often creates loss and change. Mom spends the evening with
her new boyfriend. Dad’s new girlfriend bans a child’s favorite sugar
cereal. Stepparents also create conflicts of loyalty for kids. A child may
think, If I care about my new stepmom, I am disloyal to my mom. Arguing
parents make this situation even worse for kids. For all these reasons,
children need time to adjust. Spending
regular time in pairs helps shift insider-outsider roles. Carve out couple
time, without children, to form a bond and to give stepparents time in the
insider role with their new partner. Balance this with reliable
parent-child alone time, including some vacation time. Re-establishing
consistent parent-child time can improve the behavior of an acting-out or
depressed child. Outsider stepparents maintain well-being and sanity by
continuing activities with friends outside the new family. Develop
stepparent-stepchild relationships by engaging in
“shoulder-to-shoulder” activities, without the parent present. A
stepparent might say to his stepchild: “I will never take the place of
your dad. His place in your heart is permanent. You have a big heart.
Sometime, I hope there will be room in it for me. Even then, it will be a
different place from your dad’s place.” Further,
expect civility—but not love. We can expect stepparents and stepchildren
to treat each other with respect and decency. We cannot, however, demand
love of people who did not choose each other. A parent might say to her
son: “You have a right to be upset with all these changes. I will really
try to listen. But you do need to be respectful to Mike, like any other
stranger.” Recognize
that Stepparents are Not Parents Children
benefit when stepparents can help parents become firmer. Biological
parents need to help stepparents become more kind. However, stepchildren
cannot initially accept any parenting from stepparents. The parent must
remain in charge until children are ready. Stepparents can give input, but
the original parent retains final say. Stepparents may consider expressing
caring and encouragement: “How was that test?” And reporting concerns
to the parent: “I think Johnny didn’t do his homework.” When parents
are absent, stepparents aim for “adult babysitter,” not parent.
“While I am out tonight, Mike is in charge.” Stepparents then enforce
the rules of the house. The
“Other” Household Decrease
conflict with the “other” household. Parental conflict seriously
compromises children’s adjustment. Keep drop-offs and pickups peaceful.
Handle differences between households calmly and neutrally: “You drink
Coke at mom’s house. We drink milk here.” Address problems with your
ex out of children’s earshot. In conflicted divorces, stick to a
detailed, iron clad visitation schedule. A
Therapist Can Help Therapists
with training and experience in stepfamily dynamics can help meet the
challenges of stepfamily living. Couple therapy can offer a safe place to
share feelings and can help resolve differences. A skilled therapist can
sometimes help ex-spouses work together. If the children’s behavior
deteriorates, try increasing parent-child time, backing the stepparent out
of a parenting role, and easing loyalty conflicts. If depression or acting
out continues, seek help for your child, or for you as the parent.
Children caught in intense loyalty conflicts sometimes appreciate a
neutral therapist. Stepfamily living occasionally exposes very painful old
“bruises.” A good therapist can help resolve some of the old hurts and
make living in the present easier. Books Becoming
a Stepfamily: Patterns of Development in Remarried Families, by P. L.
Papernow, 1998. Hillsdale, NJ: Analytic Press. Custody
Chaos, Personal Peace: Sharing Custody with an Ex Who is Driving You
Crazy, by J. P. Wittman, 2001. NY: Penguin. How
to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by A. Faber and
E. Mazlish, 1980. New York: Avon Books. Mom’s
House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child, by I. Ricci, 1997.
NY: Simon Schuster. Stepfamilies:
Love, Marriage and Parenting in the First Decade, by J. Bray and J. Kelly,
1999. New York: Broadway Books. Why
Marriages Succeed or Fail: What You Can Learn from the Breakthrough
Research to Make Your Marriage Last, by J. Gottman, 1994. NY: Simon and
Schuster. ©2006
by the AAMFT |
|||
|
||||
